exclamations!!!

im excited!!!
i'm going back home soon!! home!!!
to my family!!
to my friends!!
to my room!!
to my house!!
to my garden!!
to my mamaks!!
to my shopping malls!!
to my country!!
sighhhhhhh
i didnt realise how much i could miss home..
i'm suppose to be doing my assignment!!
but!!
im daydreaming about finally seeing my dear family & my darling friends & the shopping that ill be doing!!!

though... at times... i get alil apprehensive...
will my friends still be the same?? will they still like me?? i've problably changed alil... thats inevitable.. them too.. but.. what if we dont have much in common anymore??
what if we sit in silence when we use to have nonstop laughter?

nevertheless.... i still miss my home!!

i wanna go home now!!!!

Much of You

How could I stand here
And watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains
Where they touch the sky
Ponder the vastness
And the depths of the sea
And think for a moment
The point of it all was to make
Much of me
Cause I’m just a whisper
And You ate the thunder and …

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today and give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of you

And how can I kneel here
And think of the cross
The thorns and the whip and the
Nails and the spear
The infinite cost To purchase my pardon
And bear all my shame
To think I have anything worthy boasting in
Except for Your name
Cause I am a sinner
And You are the Savior and…

This is Your love, oh, God
Not to make much of me
But to send Your own Son
So that we could make much of You
For all eternity

~ Steven Curtis Chapman ~

change

change.
what do you do when change comes upon you suddenly?
do you embrace it positively and wholeheartedly? or
do you try to live in ignorance fo as long as you can? or
do you reluctanly accept it while you sulk and whine and gripe for all its worth?

i don't like sudden changes.
even if they are changes which i thought i wanted,
even if they are changes which will do me good,
if they are sudden,
the sky will turn purple and pigs will go 'moo' !
before i willingly accept it.

sudden changes
confuse me,
annoy me,
frustrate me,
saddens me,
and(!)
turns my life upside down,
inside out,
chocolates become strawberries,
milo become nesquick,
purple to pink,
roses to carnations.

i don't like sudden changes.
even thought strawberries are nice,
nesquick is familiarly chocalatey,
pink is sweet,
and carnations are truly lovely.

changes.
what do you do when they come upon you suddenly?

tired

i'm tired.

i'm tired of everything & anything.
i'm tired of taking 45 minutes to get to uni everyday
i'm tired of eating the same kinda stuff everyday
i'm tired of the bitterness that creeps up at the most inconvenient time
i'm tired of myself
i'm tired of people
i'm tired of being confused
i'm tired of being so emotional
i'm tired of staring at my computer 24/7
i'm tired of the complicated life i lead [ why can't i just live a simple life?? ]
i'm tired of being wary all the time
i'm tired of wondering if i can trust people
i'm tired of assignments
i'm just so tired.

yet

yet
another long night
yet
another restless moment
yet
another unpleasant dream
yet
another bitter thought
yet
another bittersweet memory
yet
another imagined circumstance
yet
another unnesecary worry
yet
another unwanted fear
yet
another numbingly familiar song
yet
another teeth-grinding pain
yet
another long night
like yesterday night and the night before and the night before and the night before..

trust

trust.
trust is so fragile.
takes days & months & years to build up.
but just mere seconds to be destroyed.

what destroys a persons trust?
the simplest of things.
a "little white lie".
breach in confidence of that so called "small secret".
going back on a promise.
just to name a few.

what builds a persons trust?
mutual respect.
mutual affection.
prooving that our confidence is held.
just to name a few.

effects from lack of trust.
doubt.
easily suspicious.
friendships/relationships destroyed.
reluctance to believe.
just to name a few.

trust. so fragile & yet so important to us.

fear

fear.
thats what i feel now.
fear of the unknown.
fear of what i DO know.
fear of what is to come.
fear of what MAY come.
fear.
it is not pleasant.
fear. go away.
please.
fear.
you are not welcome here.

fear.
that is what i feel now.

mood swings

Pensive.
is what ive been feeling since this evening... due to a certain conversation with a certain someone.. nothing big... just a hi/bye thing..
but nevertheless.. it never ceases to amaze me how fast my mood can swing from one to another.... at times to the extreme even..
the unpredictablity of these mood swings annoy me dreadfully...
they come upon me at the most inconvenient times at certain instances...
an incontrollable thing..
emotions... what do you do with them? what do you do without them?

being happy

Lately I've been wondering.. what really do we mean when we say we're happy ...(?)
what really do we mean when we say we have joy... (?)

Like a lightbulb that suddenly flashes above my head...
I've come to the realization that to be happy, is when,
even thought my life may not be at it's best,
it may not be what I had wanted it to be,
things are just too crappy for words,
when you just want to sink into the deep & dark pit of depression & self misery/pity....

being 'happy', in one sense [for me],
is when during those confounded, confusing, frustrating & depressing times, I still have hope, however little it may be, I'm still willing to fight and be strong, to overcome these trying times.

I am not an overly chirpy or optimistic person [ heck sometimes my sis says im too negative!]
But I have come to realise that I'm happy when I'm at peace with myself, at peace with how I'm handling my dark & frustrating circumstances & to realise also that I'm not alone in facing these seemingly dark & depressing times.

I mean, seriously, how DO You know when you are truly & genuinely happy (?)
as oppose to
being just accepting of your circumstances and hope that it goes away real soon...
I guess, for me,
It is when you have peace in you heart.
It is when there is hope in you.
It is when you just KNOW that you are not in this alone.

Am i making any sense?

For now, I am at peace & thus I am happy.

* By this, i dont mean that everything will be a total bliss onwards, but just that when times are tough & trying, i try to remember what being happy is... to a certain extent...

comparing

comparing what I am
comparing what I have
comparing what I can offer
comparing what I'm not
comparing what I like
comparing how I feel
comparing my life
comparing me
[with you]

I compare myself & I fall short.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps i am making a mountain out of a molehill, but when you see so many things that matters to you...
when you can't control the things that matters to you...
Perhaps im being selfish, perhaps it is not what im imagining it to be, perhaps its all innocence,
just perhaps im wrong...
I dont know anymore...

me

Amidst the pain
amidst the hurt
amidst the disappointment
amidst the wonderings & the what if's
amidst knowing i can't turn back time
amidst knowing somewhere somehow the future holds great wonders for me
amidst just knowing..

I hope that i can start afresh
i hope that i can start anew
i hope that i can release
i hope that i can let go
i hope that i can discover who i once was without him
i hope that with each coming day, life will be easier and much more pleasent
i hope that someday i will meet the man that God has destined for me with a healed and refreshed heart
i hope that i can accept circurstances, no matter how hard & move on
i hope... will everyone hope with me?

I will run to You.

~Running After You~

Your Word is a light unto my path
Your Love guides me through my darkest night
And even though sometimes Your ways
I cannot understand
I’ll never walk away because my future’s
In Your hands

I don’t care what people will say
I’m running after You
I won’t turn back and go their way
Coz I’m running after You
Yeah I’m running after You
I’m running after You

(I will run to You)

Release

"Bike Scene"

I'll leave the lights down low
so she knows I mean business
And maybe we could talk this over
Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex And let alone your worst...

I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't (but I can't) stop
this anymore than you can

So honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don't mean anything
And you know very well that
I can't keep my hands to myself, hands to myself

I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't (but I can't) stop
this anymore than you can

This is all wrong and it shows
There's certain things I promised not to let you know,
(I've got a silly way of keepin me up on the edge of my seat, I've got a silly way of keepin me up on the...)
not to let you know I never, never...

You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat
But you're only counting the clock against the train
And I'm miserable, oh
(I've got a silly way of keepin me up on the edge of my seat,
I've got a silly way of keepin me up on the...)
And you're just getting started
I'm miserable, oh

You've got me right where you want me (let's never talk)
Let's never talk, let's never, let's never talk about this again because...
I didn't want it to mean that much to me
I didn't want it to mean that much to me
I didn't want it to mean that much to me
I didn't want it to mean that much to me
Anyway... yeah