Psalm 51

Create in me a pure heart,
O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit
within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit
from me.
Restore to me the joy for you
salvation
and grant me a willing spirit,
to sustain me.

something i miss, something i remember and something i cant have.

how i miss those walks by the creek
the whisper of a breeze on the trees
the buzz of insects and birds
the barking of a doga few miles away
but what really drew me
was the solitude
granted it doesnt take much for me to have some alone time
but walking by the creek
as i take in deep breathes of genuine fresh air
i recall
the simple things in live
that ive forgotten

i remember
whenever i felt the room closing in on me
i would grab a jacket, my eyes n head off..
after a few times, i would even leave my mobile
i didnt need it.. besides which whom was i expecting a call from anyways
whenever i felt down, stressed or
just plain overwhelmed
i would go down to the creek..
and just but a short moment there..
i would feel refreshed, revived
optimistic

it wasnt the most pristine of creeks
neither was the most beautiful
it just was
on the other side of the creek was a golf course..
and sometimes i would watch as couples line up to take a shot
but most times i would walk the other way..
i never verntured far..
until one day.. i decided to walk on and then
*smiles*
i came across a lil playing field.. with swings and a nearby basketball court
from then on
my walks by the creek would end at the swings..

usually
i would swing high and fast for abit..
just delighting in the rush as i flew back and forth
and then as i grew tired
i would slow done
and enjoy the view
humming quietly as my feet touched the ground

there was never any time or space for distressing thoughts
when i was out on my walks
natures simplicity just wouldnt allow it
the complexities of life wasnt part of my walks by the creek
i know that now
how i miss that

what do i live for..

..everyday..

really..

why am i not having the same if not similiar kind of experiences that they are having..
what makes me so different?
why do i want to be like them?
do i want to be like them?
what am i gettin out of this?
did i expect too much?
too much of myself?
expect something which i am not?
but cant I decide what I want to be?

hope.
is too big for me.
i cant deal with it.

all of a sudden.. i recall..
God, Grant me serenity for the things
i cannot change
and patience for the things
that i can change.

ahh.. thats the crux of the matter.
i need serenity..
and peace. we all need peace.
but for me, i ask for serenity.

strength

dugged deep
how do i survive
how do i climb out
of this
pit hole
of past failings
damaged pride
battered soul
lost love

its claws are at me
in search of
any nook and cranny
ever ready to hook on
for dear life
and i mean that literally
ready to
anchor me
deep within
its abyss of dark
neverland

it will never end
i am not strong enough
to stop it
from haunting me
from keeping me
wide-eyed
cautious
uncaring

wheres my salvation
in my desperation
i am blind
to the things
that could possibly save me
i see things
in which there is nothing
and where there is nothing
i hope to see something, anything

my strength has but all been bled away
God help me.
i am sinking.
into nothingness
my cowardice prevents me
from
wordly salvations
the fire in my spirit
flickers too briefly to
allow for spiritual interlude
so what else do i have left.
God help me
i am dying.

if i am not already dead.

contemplating the finer points = devastation

how am i suppose to respond to that?

be still my heart

out of all the doubt in my heart
it is your words that reaches to me
your words that seem to speak out what im feeling
it never ceazes to amaze me how
you understand the deepest of me
the things im ashamed to speak out
you know
the disbelief in me
you put to rest
out of all
i honor you.