altered paradigms

im starting to feel

that

the things that i thought i always wanted

i dont want anymore

and

the things that i thought would never apply to me

now

does.

huh.

i'm really not okay...

a word or two
a sentence or two
is not enough
to build back years of trust

a hug or two
a kiss or two
is not enough
to convince the world of your sincerity

a minute or two
an hour or two
a day or two
is not enough
to demonstrate what love is

when will you realise
that this time
the knife went in so deep
the harder you try to twist it out
the deeper it will pierce into the soul

ultimately
the question remains
isit worth it?
isit worth the time, the effort, the patience?
isit really worth it...

Part 1: A story.

He was aristocracy.He was wealthy.He was titled.He was goodlooking.Most of all, he was a rake, through and through.Sought after both by males and females. Females after his charm, some after his title and the males after his interestingly amusing company. Young and able-bodied, he was fit to rule his world.He was never in lack of a warm body in his arms or an appropriate companion for his many sometimes nefarious activites.
People of His world mingle and breed among themselves.Thus it was only some time before a young browned eyed, dark haired beauty of his world caught his wandering eye. She was the epitome of the perfect beauty society expected Him to settle with. She was from a good family. Titled and wealthy enough in her own rights to not lust after His. Impeccable manners. Vibrant like any young aristocratic lady should be. She was a vision. And she was perfect,he thought. She, on the other hand never expected to settle for less. She knew what she wanted.She simply wanted Him. She didnt mind his rakehell ways. Their match would be the talk of the town. Already avid speculation was going about as to when their union would be officiated. Females moaned over one less eligible bachelor and males griped over the lost of one of their own.
While he was bragging to his closest chums about his conquest and she was telling one and all about how sweet and poetic he can be, one heart lay torn and hurting.
She was not of their world. It was by mere chance that they met that summer. It was not however by chance that he came after her with flowers and sugary phrases; promising her the sun and the moon. Vows of love flowed from his mouth and try as she might she could not detect any note of deception in it. And thus she promised her love, her soul to him.
She pushed away the little voice inside her. The little voice that kept reminding her of inferior birth right. She was not from that world and she will never be. She had no title, she had no weath. She was not poor but she would never be accepted in that world.
But nothing could stop her from experiencing the joys of first love. Like a rose she bloomed bright and luscious under the ardent affection from her beloved. She was what she could be and more.
Then he was called back to his world of bright lights and splendour. Promising to return by the weeks end he left.In his absence, he sent letters to her shouting his affection and desire for her.Important matters arising, his return was delayed for a week. One week turned to two. Two weeks turned to months. As time passed, his correspondence became shorter and less obvious in his affection. Finally word arrived saying that he would be staying away indefinitely to resolve certain issues. His most humble apologies conveyed and wished her a most pleasant summer.
Days passed without any more word from him.
The next time news came, it carried word of their union.
It was a harsh blow. Reality strucked her in full force. She could never compete with the likes of her.
She never knew how she survived that summer. In days to come she experienced a whole myriad of emotions. At times she felt like lashing out at her. Whereas at other times, she barely had the desire to live the day out. Anger, bitterness and hurt was what she felt most of the time. All her hopes and dreams dissolved into dust. Dissapointment enveloped her. She started to blame herself. Her birth right. Her world. Her lack of. She was never more aware of what she lacked at that time.
As the world celebrated their union, she lay passive and dispassionate. No longer caring much. Ignorance is bliss, she told herself.

random emo rantings..

change always hits me the hardest. some people excel with change. i. i hit rock bottom.
right now i have too much time on my hands. right now. just n o w.my mind is thinking about stuff it shouldnt be thinking about. im worried over things that i should not be worried about.
why, you ask.i dont know. a whole myriad of emotions is rushing through me.i dont know what to do with them.ignoring them is beyong me.puff puff isnt something i have succumbed to yet. drinking isnt an option considering the lack of one and the presence of certain authority figures near me.i need someone to talk to.someone who wouldnt brush aside my needless anxiety. someone who wouldnt judge me. someone who wouldnt laugh at me haha.let me go.i wish i had one of my books to indulge in.fear.i wish certain things could go back to how they used to be.constant.secure.dependable.im choking.on my uncertainty.on the restrictions put on me.by people.by myself.im tired of always having to explain myself.im tired of always guessing what others are thinking.someday.life will be much more simpler.am i trying to escape responsbilities? maybe.somedays when the sun is shining, i wish it would rain. and then. when it starts raining i wished it would stop at once to let the sun come out and play.i have forgotten what i want in life. i used to have it all planned out.then the boogie man came and changed all my plans with a shout.so now i think. whats the use in planing. why have so many hopes when it can be 'unhoped' in but an instance.but then i find that isnt really possible either.you live each day hoping for something.but what happens when with each hope that comes true, five others are dumped into the recycling bin.God is Fair.He works his ways in His own mysterious times. alot of times i think that it is the end of the my line. theres only so much hurt one can take.unending.
sometimes i think that the 'me' that i once was has been ripped out of me.i find nowadays there is some lack of emotion.some lack of sense. in me.just when i think i have turned into some cold heartless, uncompromising bitch.something happens. to make me react in the way that i thought was lost to me.over and over again.and then i am hopeful. maybe i will 'turn out' ok after all. God. how i hate that term.for once i just want to live one day without any lingering anxiety.over unfair judgement. subtly mindless fear. social sensitivities.but i guess. that can only be. heaven.

25 things to do by the time i turn 25

30 seemed to far away ... and i figured the closer the date the more stuff i can think up to do in the future..
anyways here goes...
oh yea
in no particular order i guess

1) travel to europe
2) go to at least one of the lovely beaches in Malaysia
3) travel to america
4) travel to hong kong
5) travel to japan
6) go kayaking
7) go skiing
8) watch the sunrise with my beloved
9) watch the sunset with my beloved
10) get a lil puppy O_o
11) travel around australia
12) get a good job
13) get my miata mx5
14) find out what really is the thing called l o v e
15) get engaged
16) go for a romantic getaway in any/all of these places ~ venice, paris, seychelles
17) learn something new about myself
18) learn something new about my family
19) be financially independent
20) be in a job that helps others
21) have nieces/nephews or both ( i guess this isnt really up to me.. but hopefully... O_o )
22) join and win a significantly big dance competition
23) dance with my bf/fiance.. like properly!!
24) buy a condo/penthouse
25) just live life to the fullest without hesitations, without regrets...