random emo rantings..

change always hits me the hardest. some people excel with change. i. i hit rock bottom.
right now i have too much time on my hands. right now. just n o w.my mind is thinking about stuff it shouldnt be thinking about. im worried over things that i should not be worried about.
why, you ask.i dont know. a whole myriad of emotions is rushing through me.i dont know what to do with them.ignoring them is beyong me.puff puff isnt something i have succumbed to yet. drinking isnt an option considering the lack of one and the presence of certain authority figures near me.i need someone to talk to.someone who wouldnt brush aside my needless anxiety. someone who wouldnt judge me. someone who wouldnt laugh at me haha.let me go.i wish i had one of my books to indulge in.fear.i wish certain things could go back to how they used to be.constant.secure.dependable.im choking.on my uncertainty.on the restrictions put on me.by people.by myself.im tired of always having to explain myself.im tired of always guessing what others are thinking.someday.life will be much more simpler.am i trying to escape responsbilities? maybe.somedays when the sun is shining, i wish it would rain. and then. when it starts raining i wished it would stop at once to let the sun come out and play.i have forgotten what i want in life. i used to have it all planned out.then the boogie man came and changed all my plans with a shout.so now i think. whats the use in planing. why have so many hopes when it can be 'unhoped' in but an instance.but then i find that isnt really possible either.you live each day hoping for something.but what happens when with each hope that comes true, five others are dumped into the recycling bin.God is Fair.He works his ways in His own mysterious times. alot of times i think that it is the end of the my line. theres only so much hurt one can take.unending.
sometimes i think that the 'me' that i once was has been ripped out of me.i find nowadays there is some lack of emotion.some lack of sense. in me.just when i think i have turned into some cold heartless, uncompromising bitch.something happens. to make me react in the way that i thought was lost to me.over and over again.and then i am hopeful. maybe i will 'turn out' ok after all. God. how i hate that term.for once i just want to live one day without any lingering anxiety.over unfair judgement. subtly mindless fear. social sensitivities.but i guess. that can only be. heaven.